January 23, 2012
It was one of those stressful days, the kind that leaves you so wound up--and depressed at the same time if that's possible--that you simply want to curl up and go to sleep even on a Friday night. I left late because I was awaiting a very important reply from a VIP coordinator at Ticketmaster so I had asked one of my coworkers to give me a ride. As of the moment I left, there was no reply yet! Two weeks or so prior to this, my friends Lia, Eldon and I had joined in a partial fast in which we would follow Daniel's model of a vegetarian diet for 3 weeks. It was against this backdrop that the following transpired.
When my friend and I left work, we decided to stop at an establishment where she said she liked the burgers. I figured I’d find something to accommodate my spiritual endeavor. When we arrived, she ordered me a virgin drink because I’m allergic to alcohol and I would have abstained anyway. Halfway through the drink, I felt my heart beating 90 miles a minute and someone sitting on me, and I knew that they had screwed up mixing the drink (or did it deliberately); it doesn’t matter which actually happened. My friend felt really bad, but I knew it would pass, which it did about an hour later after she dropped me off at home.
I only mention the drink because of the relaxing effect it eventually had on me after the scary heart-racing. I believe God uses His sense of humor at times to unblock our emotions and spiritually refine us. I consulted 3 people whom I knew had past experiences with alcohol, and they sufficiently convinced me I probably got the hard stuff! Two of my friends in particular, LeeAnne and Diane, have this gift of questioning that can lead to revelation, or rather, admission. On this rare occasion, I reached LeeAnne on a night she felt up to talking, and the following line of conversation ensued.
I told her how frustrated I was that even after I’d made every attempt I knew of to deliver 2 special messages, it somehow just wasn’t enough for me. She said that there was a want or a need somewhere. I said I simply wanted to encourage the parties in question, one being the members of Nickelback and the other being one I’ve come to call my Catalyst (referenced in previous Notes and Statuses). She responded that this wasn’t my only desire, that my ultimate desire was to receive a positive reaction in either case. She further pointed out that I couldn’t expect such. Then, even worse, what if I received a nonchalant or negative response? Would that forever destroy any good done by the song in the case of the band or that pivotal meeting in the case of my Catalyst? OUCH!
This question left me no choice. To date, I hadn’t received a reply from Ticketmaster, and even now I find none. So if my purpose and motive were to be completely pure, I could do no less whan surrender the entire thing to the Lord never to pick it up again unless He handed it back to me! After all, hadn’t I delivered the note with Farrell’s help that night, October 23, at the side of the stage and received a response of sorts when security returned with the guitar picks? Then, hadn’t I made every attempt I knew how by sending a letter to 2 possible places in order to try to find my Catalyst? If either of those places was the correct one, they couldn’t acknowledge it, because that would be a breach of confidentiality due to the nature of their programs. Therefore, I couldn’t do any more. Since I’d done all I could, then demanding a more direct reaction from either would make me no better than those fanatics we love to laugh at when we read about them in tabloids or online.
Then there was the matter of the long-standing fantasy I’ve had about petting a tiger. Later on Saturday, Diane looked up the possibility of doing just that, and to our horror, we discovered that these baby tigers are bred on these farms, removed too early from their mothers, and often abused! Could I pay money to such an operation for the privilege of fulfilling this fantasy? God forbid! So there went another dream. I started thinking, Lord, is everything to be stripped from me for the sake of Your call? I thought of this Scripture:
Psalm 37:3Trust in the LORD, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed. 4Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. 5Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.
At present, it’s now the 24th and I have some very serious professional concerns even as I write this. Can I surrender those to Him as well? Even my secret wish of which some people know? There’s no telling where our Lord will lead as we complete this fast.