Lullaby & My Struggle to Save My Daughter
I've been a chronic insomniac since I was 10 years old. It comes in handy sometimes when there is lots to get done, but when it drags on for weeks and months, it can be brutal. 3 hours a night max for 6 months catches up to you.
This is one of my ramblings I had hand-written out during one of those long waking moments while everyone else in my house was dead asleep. I'm tyiping it out now because I hope one day my experiences will help another mom or young teen out there.
Ironically the thoughts came to me the first time I really listened to the lyrics of 'Lullaby'.
Now I am not one of those obsessed fans, but I do enjoy Nickelback's music and go to their shows when they come to town. I never related a song to my life before I heard 'Lullaby', but as you will read, it hit me and made me cry.
I have a 17 year old daughter and when she was 12 she was a victim of molestation from her father. It took about a year and a half for us to get justice, but we did get it.
By the time she turned 14 she started having serious issues on dealing with her troubles and getting past her 'past'. Going through the most difficult years of growing up and dealing with what her father had done sent her into a very dark place.
She had been in and out of counceling since she had told me of the incident and to no avail.
Over time I noticed shallow cuts and scratches on her arms and legs. Having seen another friend in my youth go through this I knew what she was doing. She had developed a need to cut herself.
These scratches and shallow cuts progressed to more in frequency and depth. For a while it was so bad I couldn't keep my first aid kit stocked. I would replace all the bandages and the next day she would be at it again.
This led into more depression and her slipping further and further into wanting to die. I found death poems, razor blades, and scraps of paper with blood covering them and notes that she just wished she could die and was going to kill herself.
I was absolutely terrified. By the time she had turned 15, I was scrubbing blood out of her bedroom carpet almost daily. This went on for almost another 18 months.
We fought constantly. I was trying to get her to see her own self worth and get her to open up to me. I would find notes about her wanting to die and how useless she felt she was and how she said she was a terrible person and didn't deserve to live. I would find them in the laundry or she would leave them in the bathroom after another round of hurting herself.
Our fighting got so bad that it got to the point I had no choice but kick her out. I was so stressed and terrified every day that I was going to come home to her either dying or already dead. She was at the point she had shut me out and even told me that she wanted to die because of me. That hurt so badly. I told her she couldn't live in my home if that was the real way she felt.
It took a few weeks, but she apologized and asked me to forgive her. She is my child, of course I forgave her. I told her kicking her out had been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Even raising her on my own was easy compared to that night.
We learned to communicate with each other more like adult friends and she came back home.
We tried another therapist for her and finally we seemed to be getting to the bottom of her pain. Together we worked it out and I admitted to her how scared I had been for years that I was going to lose my little girl.
She asked if she could get a butterfly tattoo for her 17th birthday to signify her healing and freeing herself from the dark place that she had been in for so long. It is part of a butterfly project that covers old scars and gives hope to people that are faced with these challanges. I wasn't familliar with what she was talking about so she explained it a little more.
She said it was part of an anti-suicide / anti self-harm project. I guess the butterfly's transition from caterpillar to coccoon to butterfly and flying free signifies the healing that one goes through in these situations.
I made a deal with her that if she could go 6 months without cutting herself or attempting suicide I would take her in and she could get her tattoo.
My daughter now proudly displays a beautiful blue butterfly on her left fore arm and has not cut her self in almost a year. She opens up to me and talks to me before she resorts to a razor blade and I no longer live in the fear of coming home to her body.
We are more than mother and daughter now. We are also best friends and I am proud of her no matter what.
When I heard 'Lullaby' for the first time the lyrics hit my heart in a way no song had ever done. It summed up my entire struggle with my daughter that we had faced for the past 3 years.
And yes it is true for anyone out there that is in a dark place, you are NOT alone nor are you the only one and you CAN make it. My girl and I did. You can too. Grab ahold of one person who cares and let them help you. It works.
Never give up and don't ever let go of the belief that things will get better.